I’ve been writing about how things have been going “my way” recently. Basically, my mood has been up for the past two weeks. I know from experience that whenever I have such periods of happiness, they are followed by crashes in my mood. I’ve also learned from my therapist that I have to edit my current diagnosis to include Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar type, you can take a look my complete diagnosis (as far as I know it) on my about me page. I’m also really wary, knowing that good things have come my way. The car, is one example, but there one other thing that I haven’t mentioned because it is scheduled to happen in May and I really want to wait for it to be done before I go telling the world about it.
Really though, good things have been happening for me. This is really something rare for me. I’m used to the bad stuff happening. I’m not writing this because I want a pity party thrown in my honor but because I want to make it clear that since the good stuff started to accumulate, I’ve been waiting for it to get miserable again. See, there’s this voice in my head that keeps telling me that as soon as something good comes along something bad has to happen to ruin it and it has to be so bad that it not only ruins the good thing but it overwhelms me completely.
My therapist says that this is a cognitive distortion or an error in thinking. She wants me to write out every day things that I’m greatfull. And then there’s this whole embarrassing ordeal about my inner child. Of course whenever an inner child is mentioned I have to run in the other direction because it makes me think of pop tv psychology. And well, so she never really said the actual words, “inner child”, but still, it makes me really uncomfortable to picture my 5 year old self sitting in a chair next to me, crying because she’s afraid that she’s going to crash the car. Apparently the little girl in me is terrified of everything…but that is the little girl in me, and I need to recognize that I am an adult and that I can parent that little girl. The point being I have to talk to myself or write myself a letter from adult to little girl and it seems really weird and I don’t want to do it and to be honest when she first suggested it it scared the crap out of me and I don’t know why. But I’m going to do it anyway no matter how silly it may seem to me at times because if this helps then hallelujah.
I’m like you about the psychobabble stuff. I, like you, have and will try it or almost anything else to feel better. And God knows I understand waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ll suggest staying in the now even though I know it’s trite and sometimes impossible.
Take care.