on the move

I’ve decided to start bloggin on blogger for a while…mostly because of their widgets.

So if you want to, go here:

http://avoidancejunkie.blogspot.com/

ummmmm

I don’t have a computer right now.  I’m writting from my aunt’s house…I’ll try to catch up soon.

I’m trying to quit smoking again.  So far so good.

Everything else, well, complete chaos.  I’m focusing on not smoking becuase it’s the only thing I have control over.  Maybe that’s why I’m doing so good, becuase I feel like I actually have control in that department. 

Deap breath…

I don’t want my dad to go back to his wife…

Please, god, don’t let him go back to her…

she stole my milk and my maple syrup and my grandma’s red beans

fine, so it’s not the fact that she stole my milk that pisses me off, becuase I’m not that petty…

it’s the fact that she stole my milk…because I am that hatefull (when it comes to her).

So there…you’ve caught me…I’ve never forgiven her, I’ve never forgotten what she’s done… I’m just not built that way.

For the love of Fud, she got rid of my mother and father’s wedding present engraved with their names and the date of their marriage, it was a solid silver serving tray and knowing her she probably pawned it.  She threw out ALL of my mother things, her pictures, she tried to throw out the one video I had of my mother.  She told me that I was the reason that my mother went crazy.

Oh yeah…easy to forget…

she stole my milk

I’ve been cleaning.  I’ve been sitting at home alone wondering what to do.  The step family shows up whenever they feel like it, to pack about two or three things in a box and then get on the computer or steal my milk and then they leave.  All the while I clean, smoke or pace.

You know how I said that I was okay through all of this, well I didn’t lie.  I’m okay in the sense that I’m not falling to pieces.  I’m okay in the sense that I’m still going and I can still drive.  I’m okay in the sense that I can feel my emotions…and boy can I feel them.  Anger sticks out right at the top of my head.

I want these people gone, out of my life, preferably forever, as soon as humanly possible.  Last night I was thinking, as my dad made to pick up the ringing phone (I knew it was her calling), that she will never stop calling.  Once she has gone back to Florida she will still keep calling every night to make sure her meal ticket doesn’t forget her.  She’ll call and say whatever it is that she said to him on those lonely nights just after my mom died, whatever it takes to get him back.  It makes me sick and it makes me furious.

Fine, you’ve got me, I’ve been faking it this whole time.  I’ve been playing the part of the good step daughter who doesn’t wish her step mother any evil.  But deep in my inner core, oh, let’s face it, not even that deep, all I want is for her to be gone.  I don’t like her, I’ve never liked her, I want her out of my dad’s life.

I’m pissed, of course I’m pissed.  I feel powerless.  There is nothing more maddening than knowing you cannot control the world around you.  So I just have to accept.  Accept that my dad will make whatever decision he wants to make.  Accept that I might have to fake it for this lady for the rest of my life, however exhausting that may be.  Accept that it is his decision to make, to take her or leave her in the long run.

All I have to worry about is getting this house in tip top condition, oh, and play nice with the steps when they come over to get their stuff.

thrown out

So much has happened since I last wrote.  Life has become unpredictable once again but I am managing not to fall apart.

I don’t know if I ever mentioned that my father was supporting his two step children, his two adult (27 year old twins) step sons.  They both had jobs that only recently acquired after living with him for about a year.  One of them had a six year old son that was also living at my dad’s house.  About a month ago, the eldest of my step mother’s children moved in, he is 35 and he was pretty depressed after going through a separation and not seeing his son and was asleep most of the day.  Basically, my dad had his wife, who had quit her job, her three adult sons, and his step grandson to support.

Now my dad is a very giving man, otherwise he would have kicked these people to the curb ages ago.  But I guess he finally had enough of working 6-7 day weeks and coming home to a filthy, noisy, overcrowded house, because he finally said enough is enough and he had a talk with them about how they should get their own place.

Their reaction was to begin fighting amongst themselves and his wife’s reaction was not to take him seriously so my dad exploded.  He got pissed and kicked everybody, that is his wife and her sons, out of the house.  He said that his grandson could stay because my dad is not going to through a kid out on the street just like that, but they took the boy with them.

Today makes a week since they got kicked out.  It has basically been decided that they are going to move their stuff out of the house and once they can manage financially, they will all move back to Florida where they came from.  All of them, that includes the step mother.

My dad has pretty much been leaning on my brother and especially on me these past few days because my father is the type of man who cannot stand to be alone.  That is the reason he jumped to quickly into marriage with this woman after my mother’s death.  He is finally beginning to accept that this is true about himself.  He told me that he wants to take some time away from his wife to spend time and distance from her so that they can both discover if it is really love that holds them together or if it is merely convenience.

In the mean time, there is much that needs to be taken care of.  We have to sell this house for one.  My dad says that it holds too many bad memories for him and that owning a house ties him down.  He wants to be free to move about the country if he wants to change jobs or move closer to my brother.  So we’ve started fixing up the house.  This gives me a project, keeps me pretty busy, which I see as a good thing.

I’m staying at my dad’s all the time now.  I can’t leave him alone because he cannot stand to be alone, not that I like to be alone, but if he is alone he might go back to her just because he can’t bear the loneliness.

My plans are to keep my apartment until the steps family has moved everything of theirs out of my dad’s and then, I will move my stuff in, unless it looks like we can sell the house quickly, in which case I will keep the apartment until we find a new apartment to live in.

I have to be honest, I always expected the day to come when my dad would want to separate from her, but I never thought he would actually do it because I thought it would be too difficult for him.  I underestimated my dad, again.

As far as how I feel about the whole mess, well, like I’ve been telling you, I’ve been doing really well.  I’ve felt conflicting emotions, I’ve felt all sorts of emotions at the same time…I’ve actually felt my emotions instead of jumping straight into dissociation.  It’s been scary but it’s been real.

I felt sorry for them for being out there on their own, at the same time I felt angry at them for taking advantage of my dad, I missed some of them, I still miss my little step nephew very much and I hope he is okay.  I’m thrilled that my father is no longer with that woman that I have hated for so long yet tried to be kind to for my father’s sake.  I’m relieved that I won’t have to pretend to like her for much longer.  I’m sad that my father is is hurting.  I’m worried that he might go back to her.  I am aware of how selfish that is.

The point is I’m holding it together.  At this point, to be honest, I mostly feel sorrow for my father, anticipation for the future, and a growing distaste (that I must continue to hide) for her and her family (except of course my little nephew, I’m going to miss the hell out of him, I already do).  Perhaps the growing distaste is nothing more than the original distaste I felt coming out of hiding…whatever, let’s not dwell, we all know I don’t like them or the way the came into dad’s life and subsequently into mine.

The focus needs to be on the present and the near future.  Today I’m cleaning the kitchen, a good thorough cleaning.

feeling well

I haven’t written in a while…in here.

There are things happening in my life.  Changes in my attitude, good changes.

I’m starting to be able to feel again, both the good and the bad.  With the bad I’m finally starting to be able to accept and incorporate.

Perhaps this is temporary.  Who knows.  It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve felt well and then had a massive crash.

For now I’m just going to enjoy it.

drama

There is so much drama in the lives of my step brothers.  I don’t want to go into it…mainly because I don’t want to think about it.  I’m really more accustomed to a calmer lifestyle where the drama is kept to a few sessions a year and is not a constantly pulsating and throbbing vein on your temple. 

It just reminds me of living in Miami.  That is what life is like in Miami, or at least that’s what it was like for me from what I can remember.  The constant drama.  The constant struggle.  The constant fighting.  The constant tension.

I’m trying not to get sucked in.  It’s working out pretty well because they don’t necessariy want me all up in their buisness.  It’s good that I’m managing to keep my curiosity down to a minimum. 

I must say I’m really pleased to find that I have a good deal of peace of mind.  I’m not letting their chaos affect me, that’s new, in my case.

up and out

I think I’ve had my head up my rear for a while now.  I was thinking about that as I listened to him rant on about vengance again last night.  I droned out his usualy vows of “I will become strong and get my revenge” because I knew the oaths all too well.

I had to revisit a time in my life when I wanted revenge against people who had wronged me.  Now it seems pointless.  But then I had to fight against my own desires and constantly insist to myself that my life wouldn’t be bettered by doing them damage.  I’m glad that I never aired out secrets that could have destroyed friendships or even relationships.  In the end I wouldn’t have gotten my friendships back which is what hurt the most.  Loosing the people that they once where to the people that they have become.

As for my step mother.  Well,  I saw her at the hospital.  So frail, so human.  My heart is softening to her…if ever so slightly and slowly.

i’m not in love

A new one.  The other son has come to stay.  The eldest son.  Now all three of her boys have moved into my dad’s 3 bedroom house.  It’s a mad house.  The current official inhabitants are my father, step mother (once she gets out of the hospital) her three sons and her grandson.  Oh yeah and I tend to stay here most of the time.

Only now there will really be no room for me and I will end up sleeping all day at my apartment because to be honest with you.  I went home last week and that is exactly what happened.  I had to run away from the solitude and so I slept.  I did end up going to the club house place.  The one where they get you to be usefull.  But I only went to it for an hour, I was really nervous the entire time, being around strangers and to be completely honest, it took me two days to convince myself to actually go, and then a few hours of driving around town before I could actually get myself to the actual place.  But I did in fact make an apearance.  Ha! So there!

As usual, I am drawn to people who are completely screwed up in one way or another, completely broken or bad for me.  Because I wouldn’t be happy unless I was misserable, I’ve gone and fallen for yet another one.  Everything in me that is sane and stable and rational and the slightest bit smart, knows that he is not my type in the slightest bit.  He is not intellectually on my level (however cruel and arrogant that may sound), he is still MARRIED, he has kids, he is a player, he is angry and wants revenge, he’s not that thrilled with women in general at the moment.   All in all, one of the most self destructive of attractions.

I just have to keep reminding myself of this.  Because I don’t want the drama, I don’t need the drama.

I need the calm, adult, respectfull relationship…whenever that might happen to occur.  Okay, I need to work on myself more than just a little to get there.

to covet

All he wants is vengance.  He wants to make her pay.  He wants to bring the life back.  The one she took away.

He pushes himself hard fueled by rage, resentment, and regret.  He can’t forget.  He won’t forgive.

All I can do is watch him consumed.  Fueled by rants of possible retribution.